It’s human nature to seek to understand why certain things happen in our lives. Events that lead us to ask why include the death of a loved one, losing a job, or losing something valuable to us. One of the most common experiences that leads a person to seek closure is the end of a relationship.
Why did she leave me?
Why did he end the relationship?
Where did l mess up?
Could l have done better?
Did they find someone better than me?
Why did she choose him over me?
Wasn’t l good enough?
People react differently to breakups, for some it’s like nothing ever happened but some become an emotional wreck as they feel like their like is coming to an end. People deal with breakups differently, some cry their eyes out, some rely on alcohol, some choose to write down how they feel while some find satisfaction after breaking or hitting something.
“I need closure.” Is one of the most common phrases that come up after a breakup. Most people claim that they cannot move on until they get closure. Stacey Laura Lloyd says closure is getting an understanding as to exactly why a relationship ended and no longer feeling emotional attachment or pain associated with the relationship. It allows you to move on and establish new and healthy relationships.
Unfortunately, at times one never gets closure but eventually heal. This got me thinking about whether it’s really about getting closure. Time and again we claim we want to know the truth about why the other person left us or chose someone over us, yet we might be able to stomach it or we reject it.
The end of a relationship usually comes when we least expect it or when we do not want it to happen. Could it be that regularly when we say we need closure, the reality is we are not willing or ready to let someone go because we would have built our whole life around them so much that when they leave we feel like a part of us is dead and there is nothing to live for? After making so many plans about what we would do with that person, like traveling or going for a game of golf we wonder what it would have felt like and just the reality of those things not ever going to happen leaves us shattered. We yearn for the small things that they did for us such as a good morning message first thing when we wake up or just spending time with them. We regret giving our everything and letting someone into our hearts only to have our love thrown back to our faces.
At times breakups can turn us into people that we are not especially if we do not let go. One of the things one might do is to seek revenge because they want the next person to hurt the same way they are hurting but not realise that plotting the revenge might add to our pain and elongate the recovery time.
The first step to recovery is to accept that a person is out of your life. Remember that you had a life before you met this person. Adjust your life and normalise not having them in your life. Be the bigger person and forgive them for all the pain they caused you even if they do not apologise or feel they wronged you. You must forgive yourself. Over time l have learned that sometimes people tend to be too hard on themselves after a breakup. They are angry with themselves for not seeing or ignoring the signs earlier. However, the truth is most times we couldn’t have done anything to stop that person from leaving or being with someone else. Always remember that how people treat you has less to do with you and more with them. Sadly, at times we give our time, money, emotions, and other resources to people who do not reciprocate the love we give to them. The saying, Love is blind might be true in this case because we see the signs that this person is not committed to us the way we do or that there is someone else, but we chose to ignore it. it is important to always guard your heart and be careful about who you let in.
After a breakup, one mistake that most people do is, they choose to ignore how they are feeling, however, one must go through the emotions. Cry if you must, vent to someone you trust, do whatever will help you express how you feel. Holding emotions in is like continually blowing air into a balloon, it will inevitably blow up and the pieces cannot be put back together. Therefore, take care of you, it is ok to cry as it is part of the healing.
An important lesson that l have learned is people are fickle-minded. Sometimes we hold people in high esteem and expect them to treat us well and not hurt us, to respect us, and take care of our hearts and when they do not live up to the expectation we are shattered. It is important to guard our hearts with all we have. Always remember that you cannot control how people treat you, nevertheless you can control how you react.
Habitually we hold ourselves back because we feel the person who broke our hearts owes us an explanation, an apology, or even their life. Bear in mind that no one owes you anything, but you owe it to yourself to be the best version of you despite your experiences. Today decide to heal, to forgive, and move on.